Sunday, 14 September 2014

The Untold Story- Part I



Again, long time no see.

Yesterday, I took a decision for my life and I felt like I desperately needed to talk about it. Since my therapy is only tomorrow and there is no one around I feel like sharing these thoughts ( I am not underestimating them though), I was thinking what could ease these feelings and it came to my mind my lovely blog~ 

I avoided it a lot for a long period of time, but I have been thinking of it quite much recently. I think of how I should renew it and post stuff. It is like an old apartment I haven't been visiting. I had such great time writing on it and decorating it and I am very proud of it. Also, as my diary, it really tells much about my way of thinking and feeling even in my long gaps of absence.

Most of times, whenever I am angry about something or hurt by something, I shut myself off. It has been my pattern in relationships for so long. As I have learnt how to reeducate some bad or not very practical behavior in me, I know simply shutting out is not a good solution.

Last night, I shut myself out from someone I am in a relationship with. It seemed the right thing to do at the time I took the decision, but thinking about it in the morning, I wondered what did it mean to me shutting off from him that way.

At first, I came up with the idea that always motivates me when shutting off: "He will notice how angry I am and will do something!"

I understand this is quite childish. Whenever a child becomes quiet, her carers will come to her and ask what is going on. If no one comes, she will feel angrier or unimportant, probably.

I am not in a self-pity trip any longer. So, if any concern comes, I will probably think my decision of shutting off was right. However, what do I really expect from this?

I am claiming for the possibility of living a real relationship with the person I love. It might sound simple but it is been a claiming of 4 years and some months now.

But what is a real relationship, Lady Vi?

Real relationship is a concept that might change from person to person. As for me, a real relationship is a concrete relationship. Something tangible enough to feel like real and that is also realistically practical. A real relationship exists for 2 people and is build up from experience, not wondering nor illusion.

The person I love could be reading this and thinking angrily, so you don't think our love is real?

Well, actually that is not what I am saying. Love can be real without necessarily demanding anything. Love can exist in different kind of circumstances. However, the love I need for a real relationship is a feeling strong enough to be expressed through practical real actions. Love necessary for a real relationship must be more than a feeling existing inside each other's hearts or heads, it must be expressed to the outside world as the material to build up this real relationship.

My relationship started on the internet. We met through internet and I am grateful such thing as internet and social network exists, making it possible for people from different countries getting to know each other. We are perfect for each other, everything matches, there was mutual passion, love and affinity. Then, filled with increasing excitement and passion, I took the 1st step and went till his far away country to meet him.

My expectations were: 

Though, our first real date happened some days after I got there! After my heart and mind working on the decisive idea he was joking with my feelings. After I was devastated. 

When we first met it was like this:

He wanted to make me a surprise and be sexy and mysterious because he knew what kind of reading pleased me. However, deep inside, I didn't felt it was alright for me, because I still hoped for this:

And my anxiety led me to think what was actually happening was this:

That is where I freaked out and shut myself out as deep as I could. I was not prepared to be the sleeping beauty and, even though the intentions of my prince was the best ones, I believe, I was so afraid of him.

Then he told me he can't meet me at the airport like this:

Because of his work, but he assured me he was taking good care of me from the distance, like this:

But it only reinforced my fear and the idea that maybe he was not serious towards me or that he was not able to meet the expectations I had, such as:

Really dating ...

Going to hot springs as a couple...

 Having romantic time together...

And finally getting married!

He told me he knew exactly what I wanted and he said I should trust him! Which led us to this:

Even though things were happening too fast, and most of it seemed quite pleasurable, I couldn't forget about my initial frustration of not having a proper first-romantic-meet at the airport, 

which made me suspicious about his intentions towards me, so I could only hold things back as much as I could.

The fact is, no matter how comfortable he tried to make me to be, I still couldn't accept he had to meet me undercover, as a thief, as if what we were doing was wrong. I felt, inside of me, he was treating me that way because he had no consideration for me as his equal. So, I started judging myself lower. I had admired him for so long and, of course, the fact he didn't want to have a "normal" date with me was because I lacked what was needed to be his real girlfriend!

However, even though all those considerations were racing in my mind, I couldn't express anything of those feelings directly to him. I was afraid of hurting his feelings at some point if I said I didn't want things going on that way, simply because I didn't like he showed up in my bedroom by surprise when I was expecting being aware of our meeting. I was taken off-guard. 

I know it might sound childish or irrational to be stuck on the fact he entered my bedroom by surprise but couldn't contact me when I was waiting for him at the airport or the days later... Afterall, he was there, wasn't him? However, in my mind, I took it as if, despite what he was ensuring to me, I could not trust him. Suddenly my feelings became contradictory. I felt a totally passive person, a trapped doll. 

    But I was not able to tell him openly because, at that time, I couldn't distinguishly know what was bothering me. So, I'd oscillate between love, gratitude and deep anger and hate.  
I struggled with him as much as I could. I blamed him, victimized me, told about my sources of sadness and insecurity and he seemed receptive and caring but it was so unreasonable for him to understand, I think.

I was too complicated at that time;couldn't face myself and relationships are demanding.

So, I did what I knew to do the best: I shut out. 

Like someone that lives a trauma and can't recall later what happened, I locked everything we lived somewhere deep in my heart, only making it all more difficult for us. 

Now, coming to think of it, I am like Onodera kun!!

No one wants to date a crazy person! @_@ I could only think lower of myself. Why would someone like him date someone messed up like me? That is probably why he wouldn't have a real relationship with me...
Such feelings would only stop me of facing my limitations, finding professional help and working on what stressed me so much that night.

We progressed a lot during the years. After finding the answers to my fears and working on solving the source of them, I could feel less anxious and struggling less in our meetings but I could still not accept our dates as real dates because there was never anything like this:

He never really called me and set a date to meet me!! He'd prefer invading my privacy and dealing with all the stress he caused me. At some point, incapable of assuming to him how sad those "night encounters" were making me, I'd ratter tell him all those mystery was very exciting and how I loved and could handle the fact he couldn't meet me as a normal person would, nor directly calling me nor anything I could assume as normal to exist in a real relationship. I knew he was a busy man and tried to be supportive but at the same time, it was only making me silencing myself more and more. The passive attitude was suffocating, I felt as buried alive. I felt terrible about myself and every time he came to meet me, mysteriously, only reinforced the previous feeling I had he was not taking me seriously enough because if he did, he wouldn't meet me as if our relationship was wrong. 

That was killing me.                                                                                                            
I could only think he was making fun of my feelings and taking advantages from me. I was in a complicated situation. I couldn't feel our relationship as real and, in addition, I couldn't entirely blame him because he was giving me what supposedly I asked for!    

I tried to figure out myself lots of reasons why I could not remember the whole thing properly. I thought about drugging, trauma, erotomania, anxiety, panic attack, jet-lag issues, sleeping issues, sleepwalking issues, violence, hypnosis, euphoria, delusional syndrome, twitter syndrome, lucid dreaming, madness, hysteria attack, schizophrenia, fox possession (that is a recent possibility!)  ...
So complicated! A normal healthy person wouldn't deliberately forget something so important such as her love encounters.

But wasn't I getting exactly what I wanted to? Wasn't I saying my lover I felt it all exciting and demanded him to act mysteriously?

Well, after professional help, I can assume that.  Yes, that was me telling him I wouldn't mind to have suspicious encounters. I lied to him about remembering things I actually didn't. I actually need him to tell me what happened most of the time we spent. I was trying to deal with my fears the wrong way, confronting them by myself every time we met. I told him to do things that made me suffer. I might have sounded as a masochist because that was how low I felt about myself whenever he met me in such obscure circumstances.

I still had illusions we could meet like this.

It's not like I have a fetish with airports or stations but I would like to be able to know when we'd meet next and feel active and a partner in the relationship.

But that time, I already felt like split into 2 persons, the sado/maso one and the real, harmonic one (that is me!).


I understood I could only be successful with this if I could find the right balance within myself.
But how long could it be until we felt like real partners, differently from what I felt? I knew all those mystery and hurting were not healthy for me, nor for us.


To be continued