Sunday, 14 September 2014

The Untold Story- Part I

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Ohisashiburi~

Again, long time no see.

Yesterday, I took a decision for my life and I felt like I desperately needed to talk about it. Since my therapy is only tomorrow and there is no one around I feel like sharing these thoughts ( I am not underestimating them though), I was thinking what could ease these feelings and it came to my mind my lovely blog~ 

I avoided it a lot for a long period of time, but I have been thinking of it quite much recently. I think of how I should renew it and post stuff. It is like an old apartment I haven't been visiting. I had such great time writing on it and decorating it and I am very proud of it. Also, as my diary, it really tells much about my way of thinking and feeling even in my long gaps of absence.

Most of times, whenever I am angry about something or hurt by something, I shut myself off. It has been my pattern in relationships for so long. As I have learnt how to reeducate some bad or not very practical behavior in me, I know simply shutting out is not a good solution.

Last night, I shut myself out from someone I am in a relationship with. It seemed the right thing to do at the time I took the decision, but thinking about it in the morning, I wondered what did it mean to me shutting off from him that way.

At first, I came up with the idea that always motivates me when shutting off: "He will notice how angry I am and will do something!"

I understand this is quite childish. Whenever a child becomes quiet, her carers will come to her and ask what is going on. If no one comes, she will feel angrier or unimportant, probably.

I am not in a self-pity trip any longer. So, if any concern comes, I will probably think my decision of shutting off was right. However, what do I really expect from this?

I am claiming for the possibility of living a real relationship with the person I love. It might sound simple but it is been a claiming of 4 years and some months now.

But what is a real relationship, Lady Vi?

Real relationship is a concept that might change from person to person. As for me, a real relationship is a concrete relationship. Something tangible enough to feel like real and that is also realistically practical. A real relationship exists for 2 people and is build up from experience, not wondering nor illusion.

The person I love could be reading this and thinking angrily, so you don't think our love is real?

Well, actually that is not what I am saying. Love can be real without necessarily demanding anything. Love can exist in different kind of circumstances. However, the love I need for a real relationship is a feeling strong enough to be expressed through practical real actions. Love necessary for a real relationship must be more than a feeling existing inside each other's hearts or heads, it must be expressed to the outside world as the material to build up this real relationship.

My relationship started on the internet. We met through internet and I am grateful such thing as internet and social network exists, making it possible for people from different countries getting to know each other. We are perfect for each other, everything matches, there was mutual passion, love and affinity. Then, filled with increasing excitement and passion, I took the 1st step and went till his far away country to meet him.

My expectations were: 



Though, our first real date happened some days after I got there! After my heart and mind working on the decisive idea he was joking with my feelings. After I was devastated. 

When we first met it was like this:



He wanted to make me a surprise and be sexy and mysterious because he knew what kind of reading pleased me. However, deep inside, I didn't felt it was alright for me, because I still hoped for this:


And my anxiety led me to think what was actually happening was this:


That is where I freaked out and shut myself out as deep as I could. I was not prepared to be the sleeping beauty and, even though the intentions of my prince was the best ones, I believe, I was so afraid of him.

Then he told me he can't meet me at the airport like this:



Because of his work, but he assured me he was taking good care of me from the distance, like this:



But it only reinforced my fear and the idea that maybe he was not serious towards me or that he was not able to meet the expectations I had, such as:

Really dating ...


Going to hot springs as a couple...



 Having romantic time together...


And finally getting married!



He told me he knew exactly what I wanted and he said I should trust him! Which led us to this:


Even though things were happening too fast, and most of it seemed quite pleasurable, I couldn't forget about my initial frustration of not having a proper first-romantic-meet at the airport, 



which made me suspicious about his intentions towards me, so I could only hold things back as much as I could.


The fact is, no matter how comfortable he tried to make me to be, I still couldn't accept he had to meet me undercover, as a thief, as if what we were doing was wrong. I felt, inside of me, he was treating me that way because he had no consideration for me as his equal. So, I started judging myself lower. I had admired him for so long and, of course, the fact he didn't want to have a "normal" date with me was because I lacked what was needed to be his real girlfriend!

However, even though all those considerations were racing in my mind, I couldn't express anything of those feelings directly to him. I was afraid of hurting his feelings at some point if I said I didn't want things going on that way, simply because I didn't like he showed up in my bedroom by surprise when I was expecting being aware of our meeting. I was taken off-guard. 

I know it might sound childish or irrational to be stuck on the fact he entered my bedroom by surprise but couldn't contact me when I was waiting for him at the airport or the days later... Afterall, he was there, wasn't him? However, in my mind, I took it as if, despite what he was ensuring to me, I could not trust him. Suddenly my feelings became contradictory. I felt a totally passive person, a trapped doll. 




    But I was not able to tell him openly because, at that time, I couldn't distinguishly know what was bothering me. So, I'd oscillate between love, gratitude and deep anger and hate.  
I struggled with him as much as I could. I blamed him, victimized me, told about my sources of sadness and insecurity and he seemed receptive and caring but it was so unreasonable for him to understand, I think.

I was too complicated at that time;couldn't face myself and relationships are demanding.

So, I did what I knew to do the best: I shut out. 

Like someone that lives a trauma and can't recall later what happened, I locked everything we lived somewhere deep in my heart, only making it all more difficult for us. 

Now, coming to think of it, I am like Onodera kun!!



No one wants to date a crazy person! @_@ I could only think lower of myself. Why would someone like him date someone messed up like me? That is probably why he wouldn't have a real relationship with me...
Such feelings would only stop me of facing my limitations, finding professional help and working on what stressed me so much that night.

We progressed a lot during the years. After finding the answers to my fears and working on solving the source of them, I could feel less anxious and struggling less in our meetings but I could still not accept our dates as real dates because there was never anything like this:



He never really called me and set a date to meet me!! He'd prefer invading my privacy and dealing with all the stress he caused me. At some point, incapable of assuming to him how sad those "night encounters" were making me, I'd ratter tell him all those mystery was very exciting and how I loved and could handle the fact he couldn't meet me as a normal person would, nor directly calling me nor anything I could assume as normal to exist in a real relationship. I knew he was a busy man and tried to be supportive but at the same time, it was only making me silencing myself more and more. The passive attitude was suffocating, I felt as buried alive. I felt terrible about myself and every time he came to meet me, mysteriously, only reinforced the previous feeling I had he was not taking me seriously enough because if he did, he wouldn't meet me as if our relationship was wrong. 

That was killing me.                                                                                                            
I could only think he was making fun of my feelings and taking advantages from me. I was in a complicated situation. I couldn't feel our relationship as real and, in addition, I couldn't entirely blame him because he was giving me what supposedly I asked for!    

I tried to figure out myself lots of reasons why I could not remember the whole thing properly. I thought about drugging, trauma, erotomania, anxiety, panic attack, jet-lag issues, sleeping issues, sleepwalking issues, violence, hypnosis, euphoria, delusional syndrome, twitter syndrome, lucid dreaming, madness, hysteria attack, schizophrenia, fox possession (that is a recent possibility!)  ...
So complicated! A normal healthy person wouldn't deliberately forget something so important such as her love encounters.

But wasn't I getting exactly what I wanted to? Wasn't I saying my lover I felt it all exciting and demanded him to act mysteriously?

Well, after professional help, I can assume that.  Yes, that was me telling him I wouldn't mind to have suspicious encounters. I lied to him about remembering things I actually didn't. I actually need him to tell me what happened most of the time we spent. I was trying to deal with my fears the wrong way, confronting them by myself every time we met. I told him to do things that made me suffer. I might have sounded as a masochist because that was how low I felt about myself whenever he met me in such obscure circumstances.

I still had illusions we could meet like this.









It's not like I have a fetish with airports or stations but I would like to be able to know when we'd meet next and feel active and a partner in the relationship.

But that time, I already felt like split into 2 persons, the sado/maso one and the real, harmonic one (that is me!).


 

I understood I could only be successful with this if I could find the right balance within myself.
But how long could it be until we felt like real partners, differently from what I felt? I knew all those mystery and hurting were not healthy for me, nor for us.


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To be continued








Thursday, 7 August 2014

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Thanks to the lovely THERE IS NO COLOUR for the transcript of Haido san and K.A.Z san's comment for FM-NIIGATA
The actual voice comment with Haido san's lovely talking voice can also be heard at the link above :D


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Translated by The Lady of Flowers


 BEAST PARTY 2014 HOTSITE


【FM-NIIGATA「SOUND SPLASH」】

※2014.08.06 - VAMPS(HYDE&K.A.Z) radio comment

HYDE「We are VAMPS。We Love FM-NIIGATA 775」

OP「♪ANGEL TRIP」

HYDE「Listeners of SOUND SPLASH、Mana san (host) Good afternoon。This is VAMPS' HYDE and...」

K.A.Z「This is K.A.Z。(H:I am Kyaaazu)」

HYDE「Ohhh、I can say Niigata is like our hometown。Actually, I am always coming to Niigata」

K.A.Z「We go there a lot, specially in Winter。」

HYDE「Specially in Winter, well, to do snowboard. I've also gone there this year already. To Naeba. Also, I go there because Niigata has a very tasteful Japanese sake」

K.A.Z「That's right. And the rice~ The Japanese sake, as well... And also because it is unexpectedly close to the ocean, so the seafood is also great" 

HYDE「 I would like to go there again... Yeah, since we are VAMPS, today~ what about asking KAZU kun's favourite female type to go there with us? (laughter) w"

K.A.Z「Haven't you asked her last time as well? 」

HYDE「I asked her last week, I guess w」

K.A.Z「It was last week really (laughter)。」

HYDE「I did ask her last week, but today, I'll ask her a different thing。“Which do you prefer, indoor or outdoor?」

K.A.Z「There are really these two ways。But my ideal is~、well, I really love outdoor~」

HYDE「Ahーー。」

K.A.Z「Yes。But, anyway, since I am this chubby,I am becoming an indoor person (laughter) 」

HYDE「But you were quite into fishing and snowboarding, you really love your outdoor hobbies !」

K.A.Z「That is right。」

HYDE「The same with skateboarding。As for me, I feel like I am an indoor person who is coming to get accustomed to outdoor 」

K.A.Z「You will get used to outdoor, I also would like to go camping...」

HYDE「Yes yes yes 。Feels like I can't go at all! However, by the time of middle school more or less... I used to go camping everyday!」

K.A.Z「Really?!~。」

HYDE「It may sound kinda extreme but I may say it was really everyday. Because I really went camping with this kinda energetic spirit. That time was already really fun!  」

K.A.Z「hmmm yes。」

HYDE「Sleeping outdoors、it was really like living outdoors. I was even scolded once (laughter)!」

K.A.Z「ahahahaッw(laughter)!!」

HYDE「I was around the 6th year of middle school, it was while I was camping out (laughter)」

K.A.Z「She will think you are like an animal w」

HYDE「I think I was asked "Are you a dog?" (laughter)。I really loved being outdoors that much. I am changing!」

HYDE「 That is it. VAMPS is releasing our new single called GET AWAY / THE JOLLY ROGER in 8.20. Well, since it is our new single in a while, we made tunes you can scream, fired up with energy. Surely, I want you to listen and listen to it! 」

HYDE「Carrying this single in hand, we'll hold an outdoor live in Niigata! Entitled BEAST PARTY、we'll hold it in 8.23 & 24 at Echigo Hillside National Government Park, in Nagaoka city. So, I really wish you can all come and bring up your family !!」

K.A.Z「Yeah!」

HYDE「That is it, this was VAMPS' HYDE and」

K.A.Z「K.A.Z。」

ED「♪THE JOLLY ROGER」
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Friday, 1 August 2014

Awakening

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Ohisashiburi~

A lot has been happening the past months. I was awaken.


Wait for more~
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Friday, 18 April 2014

悔いなき人生へ

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Towards a Life with no Regrets~

Hisashiburi~ >o</

Hello. It’s been a while~  I see here my last post was in October~ It’s been a big gap since my last post!!
Well, lots of things happened since my last post, I’m proud of saying ^3^
I passed through such big changes in my life, some in my professional life, some in a personal level,  some in my relationships but mostly changes I’ve suffered within myself.

I think I’ve passed through that stage of life one has to put into perspective everything he knows, everything he thinks he believes, everything he loves, everything he hates … everything.

I think all this process began in 2010 when I was in the right path of my life, full of energy and really up to move forward no matter what. However, I faced this one big gate on my path which I knew I had to pass through to continue on my route. Life was telling me I needed a key and answering some questions in order to get me through it.
 On this route, right next to the gate, there was a big, deep lake. I tried to ignore it and move on the path because it looked too dense, mysterious and deep. But I couldn’t, so,  I leaned on the lake, and saw something reflected on it. I discovered I couldn’t deal with the reflection that was there. It required courage and so I had a glimpse of my own fears and limits.

At first, I couldn’t recognize what was reflected on it, neither I could advance the gate. So, I took some time wondering about the gate, trying not to think what I had seen on the lake, because it involved controversial feelings.  Thinking that maybe next time, I could find myself a way of passing through that gate and progressing on my route without having to face the image on the lake, was what gave me hope to pass through the days. “Next time, it will be different!” However, no matter how many times life gave me the opportunity to face the gate, I couldn’t step forward through it. So, I realized I should try entering the lake to search for the keys.

Then, after 2012, after another unsuccessful trial of entering the gate by myself, after trying violently throwing myself against the gate to force me in. After shouts and fights, after innumerous bursts of anger, frustration, cries and self hate, totally destroyed by my failed attempts on passing through it without looking back to search the key, I’ve finally considered I’d better take a better look inside the lake.

During 2013, I mostly started my own journey to searching  for the key to open that gate. At first, I surrounded the lake and took some conclusions on what I might had seen when I first took a glimpse of its surface. I asked for professional help in order to be able to dive into the lake, to swim through it, to keep alive while in it, to face its creatures… Too much courage was needed, time was needed, commitment was needed. I had to fight horrible creatures!! I had to kill some. I had to reconfigure what I knew about myself, about the world, about everything!! All my desires, beliefs, relationships, life referential were put into perspective. Important choices were needed to be made. I had to face myself. I had to fight myself to learn to love myself and stop fighting. I had to find the balance not to drown into my darkness. I had to accept it all, to see it all, to starting selecting what was needed when I went to surface. I had to be lighter or I couldn’t see the light again. I was too deep inside the lake as I dig in all the deepest aspects of my life. I was far too deep to see the surface. So, I started letting it go from everything that was unnecessary; everything that wouldn’t make me feel good after passing the gate; everything that was too heavy, too stick, slimy, horrible or rather desillutional; everything that was glued to me, without being part of me, forgotten there attached to me, feeding on me for so long, making me heavier such as all the sick thoughts, considerations, self blame, self hate… During this time inside the lake,  I discovered positivism and self love would make me lighter. Courage would make me lighter; passion would make me lighter and vigorous to swim up to the surface.

Then, when I felt I was almost there, seeing the brilliant light trembling through the surface water, I wondered about everything I had left behind and questioned myself if I could be OK even without that entire burden. I kept wondering if it was right or wrong to let them all go. Then, I felt the light getting distant because I was sinking slightly. It was clear to me I was sinking because some thoughts of attachment to the past would also make me drown. Then, I understood there was something I still held with me that I had to let go in order to continue. That was when I realized it was called attachment to sadness. I had to let sadness go from my thoughts, from my hopes for the future. Sadness, such dark friend, alluring friend, I had accustomed to live with. How long has she been by my side? Since very young… Always there by my side, sometimes as a sad child, sometimes crazily desperately violent, afraid of changes that could kill her, extinguish her for good. Sadness that I thought was part of my personality. Sadness I thought was part of my art. I was so accustomed with her. we were partners along my existence. But, I could now see how it caused me suffering, how it made me heavier and how I couldn’t be attached to it. Sadness is never a natural state of anyone’s life, as I thought it was. It’s not normal. I let it go. This key point had to be out of my life, if I wanted to get going forward. Sadness never did any good to be. I had positivism and self love with me and they couldn’t be together with sadness. Sadness was gone. I knew my life ahead wouldn’t have to have sadness to be identified as my life.    

 So, I started going up again. There I was swimming, full of bright hopes inside my heart. Then, I thought how childish I had been in the past. I couldn’t do things I was supposed to do, I hurt people, I couldn’t be smarted when I had to. So, thinking all the things I should have done and that I couldn’t do, I started feeling sinking once again.  Then, I realized I was blaming myself so violently, I couldn’t swim. There it was, that was blame. I had to let go from blaming anything, everyone myself for anything that went wrong along my life. Things are as they are. People are what they are. I did my best. I was sincere. I acted as I could by that certain time. I’m not perfect, I also fail, as much as everyone fails. Blaming won’t help me advancing. Blaming made me enter in a paralyzing cycle.

 Then, I continued swimming leaving the blaming habits behind. Freeing myself a little more, I could see the trembling reflections of the outside of the lake so close to hands again. Then, I started thinking how happy I was for facing my fears inside the lake. How I felt much better, much stronger, much more connected to my inner self… Then I thought about  how long it took me being inside the lake. I wondered  if it was too late to open the gate.  So, I started feeling I should have started this journey much earlier. I started thinking all suffer I could have avoid. “I’m so sorry, I could not see I need think about my life this deep earlier. I’m so sorry I made him unhappy due to my attitude.  If I didn’t lose so much time avoiding entering the lake...” Then, once again, I felt myself drowning.

“I’m drowning again”, I thought. “What is there I’m bringing with me that still makes me drown; that still makes my heart so oppressed”? Then, I realized it was regret. I was regretting all I couldn’t do. I was regretting my decisions. I was regretting my attitudes. I regretted the things I said. I was regretting what I couldn’t understand. I was regretting and, just like blame, regret was making me sink. Regret was also a key point I had to let go.

So, I kept swimming toward the surface. I was so excited but didn’t want to close my eyes on the way up. I knew it was a huge turning point of my life, so I didn’t want to close my eyes to it, even though the light from surface and the water were almost blinding me. My heart was racing fast. After almost two years, I was again conscious I would be in front of that same gate. I was much more confident now, I had one key left and it probably could open the gate.

 Getting to the gate, I saw it as big as it has always been. I smiled to it. I could see how I had changed inside the lake. The air was so much fresh now. I could see life with new colors. I glimpsed the path of my life and felt love for everything that happened until that moment. All suffering, all crying, all smiles, all struggles, all love, everyone… Everything I lived was worth. I had no blames, no regrets. I could breathe and I felt happy just for having a life so extraordinary. Then, I got closer to the gate and used the key left to open it. But nothing happened. I tried and I tried but nothing happened.

Frustration started feeling my heart with oppression. “No, not again!”, I was about to tears.” I need to pass through this gate. I know everything I’ll find there!! I can’t wait to meet my love. I can’t wait to talk to him again. I need to tell him everything I couldn’t in the past. I want moving  forward and advancing on my career. I wanna get married and experience a healthy love life. I wanna sex and joy. Maybe kids. Maybe a stylish house with a big garden. I need to advance to have my honeymoon and to travel again. I wanna enjoy life differently now that I feel healed. I wanna be a mangaka and write a big BL hit. I wanna paint. I wanna take photos. I wanna hold hands….

I was sat on the floor, soaked in tears when I realized I had a perfect portrait done on my mind of all the things I’d find on the other side of the gate and, more than hopes and aspirations, they were huge expectations. These expectations were also making me paralyzed, sat on the floor, filled with despair and anxiety on the possibility of not achieving them. Expectations were also something I had to let go from me. It was also a key point I had to let go. So, I took that key and threw it away and listened to it sink on the lake.

So, there I was, it was just me and the gate once again. Things were rather different from 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013 and early 2014. The present is different. Then, much more conscious of myself, much more confident, I believed on myself in a different way, much truly. I knew that to open the gate, I needed to be in intimate connection to myself. So, I watched the gate carefully. I looked its surroundings, then in a fast, unpredicted, totally instinctive movement, I turned the gate knob and it opened!!

I could open the gate!! Kya~ Yatta!!


So,  I realized it had been always unlocked. There’s no closed doors to our own life, but fear to face things ahead. Fear to take the obstacles out of the way. Fear of advancing. I kept that door closed for all that time, afraid of what had after it, full of exaggerated expectations, misjudgments and fears. At some point, I decided retiring for some time in order to prepare myself to open that gate. It was my choice. I demanded it for myself: know yourself to proceed.  You wanna live freely, love freely, you wanna go deeper in life, you wanna have the most of it and, still, I was too infantile, too attached to sick relationship models , too attached to a family fantasy, too attached to a pessimist version of myself… I, unconsciously, had decided I needed to immerse inside myself, know myself better, and release my fears and ghosts in order to continue. I claimed for an immense change to be able to face a new journey ahead that point of my life. I be happy along my way on; I want to be successful on my way on; I wanna healthy relationships on my way on; I wanna consciousness of myself on my way on; I wanna no fear or shame of facing my life or myself on my way on .  I had to be fine about desiring it all and accepting it all to myself or I could never enjoy such things as they deserve to be enjoyed.

 The path on the other side of the gate has no significant changes, except those I have on my heart and brain. It’s still a life path. I have to advance on it to progress on it. However, I feel much more confident now. I’ve gained maturity and more sense of myself. Also, I regained my passions and abilities back. Before, I was so destroyed I couldn’t do much for feeling better nor I could keep on the way of self joy and pleasures. In my new life, I can explore territories I couldn’t explore much while I had so many burdens on me. I avoided lots of things, people, possibilities, mostly things that could bring me real, consistent happiness. Now, much more conscious and without blame or shame of claiming for a happy life and going for it, I keep on my life, doing whatever makes me feel glad and happy with it, enjoying every day for what it is.


For the things I was so sure there were on the other side of the path, I can only wish for the best. No one really knows what the future holds. How things will develop. Who I’m going to meet, when… The present might show you where your path is leading you. But the results are only seen when they’re lived, so, as for now, I don’t know what the future holds. But I know my heart wants the best for me.  There were so many expectations, too many dreams but I can’t live everyday feeding on dreams. Expectations made me sink countless times before. I have to live the present, work hard on the present, have good relationships today, concentrate on present, so the future will be favorable, I’m sure =D
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