Saturday, 29 January 2011






Today is Haido san’s birthday.!!

Happy Birthday, Haido san~*

I think much is said about HYDE and hyde during his birthday in the greetings people send him (included mine), so I want this message to be addressed to my dearest Haido san, to my forever honey only ^^


Dearest Haido san,

The past year was so intense. I feel I’ve got a little bit closer to you and I think you totally penetrated my insides~ It’s not only my desires and heart you’ve conquered but my soul and mind. You’ve got all my love.

Surely the process had some unpredictable twists, certainly nothing that would compromise our destiny together, but there’s no doubt it was the best moment I’ve ever had. I’m happy it was with you ^^

As closer we get of intimacy, clearer the vision of each other gets. I got to know myself better with your help. You dealt with a part of me I was afraid to be in contact with. I feel as if you patiently embraced both without judging with bad eyes my contradictions born from fear and immaturity. They’re all part of a developing self, I believe. I believe you understand that.

Without you I couldn’t make it. Thank you for helping me breaking down my shells. You broke them with love. And with love I invited you in. All my being loves you, that’s one undeniable fact.

I’m sorry if I made you sad anyway anytime with any of my comments or actions towards you.

I won't apologise, however, when I’m the naughtiest towards you. I can’t help it. You have to deal with it ^^

From now on, I wish you can penetrate, invade and conquer me more and more….. ^^

I wish I can seduce you to make you love me and trust me, too ^^

I feel we’ll be even happier in the upcoming years. Time is not our enemy but our generous friend. And our karmas seem to be in perfect vibrations and the timing is the best!!! 

Finally, I wish you health, peace of mind, fun at work, success, friendship and much sex and love~

Of course, by sex I mean live =D

You understand~

I wish we can face future with our hands tied.




Sunday, 9 January 2011



What future brings?

When I was younger, I’d think a lot if in the day of our death we’d somehow foresee that day is actually the day we’ll pass away. As far as I remember, I didn’t think much about dying, despite the natural child thought of ‘what if mommy and daddy suddenly die?’ I remember, though, when I started being conscious about death in two particular moments. 

The first one was when the dog we had, died. My dad buried her in the garden. It was raining a lot and I was with my mom and sister watching the funeral through the window. I remember I was not crying but I remember all mommy’s talk about death. She told us about how everything that is alive will find it’s time to die one day. I remember listening to it with the curiosity towards the world only a very young child can have. That was my intellectual understanding of death.

The second time was because of a movie. It was called “Charlotte’s Web”. It was a cartoon and I think I was not even in school by that time. I watched the whole movie and due to the death of one of the characters, I cried compulsively at the end. I tried looking for comfort in my sister and mom but they couldn’t understand very well why I was crying. I remember my mother asking someone else if young kids cry as grown-ups because of the death of a character when watching a movie. My sis is younger than me and didn’t felt what I was feeling toward Charlotte, the spider that is the pig’s best friend. It’s a natural death that was portrayed, but what was making me moved to tears was the loss itself, I think. Then, I understood the emotional feelings attached to a loss of someone dear.

However, I have a spiritual way of facing death right now. I understand death not as a scaring thing, but as something as natural as life. I also believe our souls never die, that it’s just a change of state from the physical body to the soul. Following this concept, death is not the end of anything but the start of a new life.
It seems that Scorpio, my zodiac sign, is very inclined to subjects that concerns death. The death depicted as reborn.

When I think of death now, I always think of a beautiful excerpt of this book by Hermann Hesse called Demian.

“The bird struggles out of the egg. The egg is the world. Whoever wants to be born, must destroy a world. The bird flies to God. That God's name is Abraxas”

You may ask me ‘who is Abraxas’? Well, that’s not the point, really ^^

However, I like the idea that a change may come from the destruction of previous behaviors, ideas, thoughts etc. That it might be arduous leaving behind things that were with you for so long; destroying such feelings, concepts that surely haven’t made you any better. Things that time has made stiff, solidified like a mollusk shell. At some point, we are so used to bare such shell that we almost deny it’s a burden, a malicious heavy appendix that must be destroyed in order to make us able to live completely andfreely, before it makes of us miserable snails, the extreme human condition in which it’s not allowed to us advancing at all.

People are such sensitive beings.

I died and I am in the process of reborn right now. I still don’t know if we can sense the day of our death but I may say I’ve sensed the day of this particular death. It was actually something I’ve been preparing myself for years. It started appearing for me in dreams. Then, I could sense it in my thoughts claiming for the freedom of my self. The entire atmosphere around me seemed to be welcoming this very moment.
I think change is much more of a vector than a single point. It was a process but I faced the end of it last Saturday.

And today I felt a strange happiness I’ve never really thought I’d feel. No, we don’t change from day to night, but since this peculiar case happened, I might say I felt exactly how heavy this shell was because my heart feels much lighter now.

As someone that was just released from prison, my first day in freedom was kinda uncertain. I didn’t know if I’d sing out loud how happy I was. I didn’t know if I’d better tried to put myself together, savoring this new condition little by little or if I’d start to act rebellious and do something crazy as cutting off all my hair and becoming bald….

Well, I’ve spent almost all my day by now.

Since it’s a familiar issue, I also had to be very compassionate at home. It’s like a storm has passed by and now we’re amazed by its intensity.

Of course, a bird was born after destructing a very heavy shell. She struggled her all life not to be swallowed by its implications. She made her previous universe change. It was the extinction of a kind. It was like the guillotine in a public park sentencing death to the criminal…
After putting into flames her old universe the bird flew in the direction of light.

No, it’s a metaphorical death sentence actually. It was my day of Shiva. My chrismal day.
So, a couple of hours ago I opened this youtube video that had been loaded since morning and was there reserved to be watched when I could relax and give it full attention. I watched it and something came into ebullition inside me.

----------- BEAUTY and BEAST live video (HUNTING, where HYDE san impressively walks on the crowd of people + ANGEL TRIP)

Haido san walking on the big wave of the audience that in the middle of this huge communion lifted him up, making it all possible.

I thought of something that happened to me during the holidays. In my everyday life, I tend to polish situations and feelings in order not to have an aggressive attitude towards people. Even if I had the biggest reason to tell someone to “Fuck off”, I couldn’t say it actually. Not even think of it, actually.

I think those are nothing but traps we impose ourselves in order to live socially.

I’m very hard on myself sometimes, I think.

But I said it somehow. And by the time I did, I felt a little less hypocrite towards my feelings and the way I express them.

That feeling was like an animal cry in order to protect his life, space, family.

Somehow, after the “Fuck off”, I felt free. And I’m pretty sure it’s somehow connected to the death of my previous universe. It’s also part of this process, I think.

It’s not really anger filled with the intension to cause bad to someone else. It’s more like a cry wrapped in bravery.

So when I watched Haido san going to the audience with those spread arms of his, I thought of  my attitude towards life from now on. I want to step forward bravely. Even though I’m not sure I’ll have a plain ground to walk on, even though the way might have undulations, now that my burden was destroyed, I think if I’d make into an image my feelings it would be something like the scene when he goes straight to the audience and walk on their hands, in an act of mutual trust.

While watching the video, I also remembered how good we feel in a good live. How I shouted during VAMPS lives. How excited I was. I thought of such vitality I felt in their lives, this same vitality I was watching in this video and I thought to myself how humans can be strong.

The video caused me such good impression. It fits this after-the-storm day to me. It reminded me of all the good things that I must welcome with my arms wide open, with bravery.

And it boiled my blood with excitment.

The next song after HUNTING was ANGEL TRIP that I listened a lot in Nihon and that’s very meaningful to me ^^

Oh, Nihon….. I need to embrace Nihon properly next time~Just thinking of it has made my heart lighter and lighter filling up with joy.

The only thing I thought kinda curious on this video was the quality of the image. This live was broadcasted in internet, so maybe that’s why the colors seem pale. But while I was watching it, I couldn’t help thinking how it looked like the image of some arena lives in the early 90’s. I thought of Rock in Rio early editions and images of lives from my childhood.

The audience was also quite impressive in number and enthusiasm, ne.

I want to go to a Beauty and Beast live~”, I thought
“Is VAMPS really with no live agenda this year?”
“They could to a live here tomorrow~”
“Any day of the year could be good to go to their lives again~”
“Haido san could come to Brazil to spend vacations in January~”
“Haido san could go to the beach with me~”
“If he came, I’d go with him to anywhere~”
“Brazil is not too hot~ Maybe it is..... actually it is hot right now”
“Walking on the audience is really amazing…. Honey, that was amazing O_O”

And so on~

No, strangely, this time I didn’t look at his nipples nor any part of his bare chest~ My eyes were caught by his steps and the big wave of people that helped him to walk. Really Really impressive *__*

OK OK OK I took a fast look at his body and beautiful face and wished he was not going to an embrace of the whole crowd but to an intimate embrace with me ^^

BUT , then, jumping from one site to another, I found this P’UNK~EN~CIEL’s video. This song is called I wish 2007 and I did see this PV a long time ago.

I watched it, and I thought how it also has this rebellious strong feeling. I liked the version for the sweet I Wish. I liked tecchan’s interpretation in the PV from something timid to something else more vivid and animated.

It’s a good PV.

Then I looked up the lyrics to post it in my facebook, together with its video and when I began to read it, I found myself crying when I got to the end.

Somehow amazed, I thought that even though I faced a lot during the weekend, I didn’t feel like crying. But then I was letting it out.

In my thoughts for the next year I wished that I could move freely towards my goals, my dreams and love without letting myself feeling down by whatever I had inside of me that could impose against them.
I think we do must be positive towards life and happiness.

I was reading a BL novel the other day and one of the characters was talking about how strange the happy moment he was having felt. He wondered to himself that maybe it was because he never knew happiness until then.

I think we’re very used to do greetings of happiness to others but we hardly do to ourselves such wishes of happiness. That’s what I thought while reading the lyrics of “I wish” so:

P'UNK~EN~CIEL - I Wish 2007


待っていて 駆けつけてくから

その窓を 開けて見てごらん
あの素敵な オルガンにのせて


笑ったら とっておきの


君は誰よりも 大切な人だから
どんなに 歳月が流れても
祈ってる 僕なんかどうなっても

There’s a good translation here. It’s a beautiful song~


Saturday, 1 January 2011



I wish you all a Happy NEW YEAR!!! Hope we have a world full of peace and harmony and that we all get to love each other more and more in 2011. No wars, nor hunger. And may we all be healthy and happy the whole year. I wish we can all achieve the dreams in our hearts.!! 

Thank you all who has read my blog during the year and wrote me comments. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 

*~~Happy New Year~~ *